Colorblind

“Do you think you will able to take care of a Black baby?”

Before heading out into private practice, I did not realize that “Meet and Greets” with a prospective pediatrician were a thing. As time has gone on, I have done a decent amount of them and I pretty quickly came up with a little speech that I would give and some basics that I would cover to help introduce myself. However, the most effective thing I have found is to greet the family and then give them room to ask their questions.

Having been a pediatrician for about 13 years now, I feel like I am pretty much prepared for any question that would come my way. However when a set of soon-to-be parents asked me the question above, I had to mentally step back for a moment.

You may be thinking to yourself that the question opening this post was odd or off-putting or maybe even inappropriate. Of course a pediatrician, even though he is white, would be able to take care of a baby that is Black, white, brown or any shade in between. “Medicine is color blind”. Unfortunately, the medical literature would indicate otherwise.

Black newborns are three times more likely to die in childbirth than white newborns. This disparity is cut in half if the doctor taking care of the newborn is Black instead of white. Pick a disease… cancer, stroke, diabetes… while they are both in the top 10 of causes of death for both white and Black people in the US, the mortality rate for Black people is higher than that for whites. Even during our current COVID pandemic, Blacks were more likely to get COVID, be hospitalized for COVID and die from COVID.

The question then is, why does this occur? The one reason that is certainly not behind it is genetic. Race is an invention of the human mind. While each human is genetically unique, the areas of genetic diversity across all of humanity are minuscule compared to the areas that are in common.

Some percentage of this difference lies in medical education. In a sample of white medical students and residents as recently as four years ago, half of them believed the medical myth that Black people feel pain to a lesser degree than white people. I cannot speak to whether this was an official part of any school’s medical curriculum (I certainly don’t remember having heard that before), but whether it was learned in the official curriculum or the hidden curriculum, it was learned and reinforced somewhere as this leads to Black patient pain being significantly under-treated.

Even more insidious than this is the fact that medical education is mostly thought of with white patients in mind. Traditionally, the standard patient was a 70kg white male. And while that may not make much of a difference for studying how a disease works inside the body, for something like Dermatology, teaching how different rashes look for different skin tones is a big deal. Thankfully, there are smart people hard at work trying to rectify this problem.

A larger percentage of the problem most likely lies in Social Determinants of Health. Another term for this would be Systemic Racism. This is something I am well aware of both from some of my academic work as well as my previous clinical work.

Back when I worked at the Riley residency program, I did a lecture series called This Month In Pediatrics . I would discuss with the residents some of the latest treatments, discoveries and guidelines in pediatrics. There would be studies that looked at child health outcomes or disease prevalences and invariably outcomes would be worse for minorities and children of lower socioeconomic status.

I felt like a broken record every month, mentioning the same thing over and over again. But it was true then and it is true now. Like a perverse logic puzzle – If you are poor, you are more likely to have worse health and worse outcomes. If you are a minority, you are more likely to be poor. Therefore, if you are a minority, you are more likely to have worse health outcomes. I hope it is a lesson the residents took to heart. Looking back on it now, I wish I would have talked at least a little bit about what we should or could do about it.

Clinically, I spent 10 years in the resident clinic at the Pediatric Adolescent Care Center. It serves a patient base that is almost exclusively insured through Medicaid, the government program to help insure families that live at or near the poverty line. My time there was one of the highlights of my career. Families would travel from multiple counties away because there are so few pediatricians outside of Indianapolis that take Medicaid. Every day there I would see some of the barriers that these families would fight through for the health of their children: ever changing pharmacy formularies, Medicaid cabs that wouldn’t show up, randomly getting reassigned to a different provider. Not to mention building bridges to families that had an ingrained skepticism towards the white medical community after decades of mistrust.

I don’t remember exactly what my answer was to that family that day, but I remember discussing my experiences at the PACC and using that as a way to partner with Black families to ensure their children are well taken care of. I think I earned their trust that day and continue to do so whenever I see them.

Our world has a myriad of problems these days. It almost seems too overwhelming to handle. Conflict, anger and animosity are everywhere. Some days it feels like the fabric of society is being torn apart. However, despite the lingering gloom there are signs of hope. Public support and clamoring for racial justice has not been this prevalent in decades. People of all races are becoming more aware of how they have fallen short in our march towards progress but also the ways in which we can push forward.

I don’t know exactly what the right answers are, but I do know what the one wrong answer is: doing nothing and ignoring the issues at hand. Let us not let this moment pass us by. Expand your viewpoint. Challenge yourself to face uncomfortable truths. Learn about events in history that were glossed over or never taught at all. Support Black artists and authors and business owners. Do something.

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If The Cabin Loses Air Pressure

“Oh… so that’s what those lines are.”

We had had cause in my house to do some precautionary self-isolation last week. The family was divided into 2 teams of 2 — “Upstairs Team” and “Downstairs Team”. We all wore our masks in the house unless we were sleeping, we tried to occupy areas of the house in shifts (hence the upstairs and downstairs names…), and we tried to eat together, but socially distanced. Just before dinner on New Year’s Day, we received the all clear and we were able to be together once again. As I took off my KN95 mask, my oldest daughter realized that the long creases on my face that had been a relative constant over the past 9 months, were because of my mask.

I have had sniffles for longer than I can remember. They have been there since the weekend that life shut down back in March. On the occasional day when I realize that “Wait… they have been gone for a few days!” they seem to come back the next day, like an old friend. Most every morning I wake up and I have that feeling in the back of my throat that “today is the day”. The day that I finally get sick.

Except I would wake up the next morning and definitely not be sick. I would still have some sniffles, but I would feel fine. Well, I guess today is not my day and it is time to get back to work.

As the day wore on, the dread would build. If I seemed chilly in a room or if all of a sudden my back felt very hot… clearly a fever is coming on. Two sneezes in a row? A brief coughing fit? Here it comes. My immune system fought valiantly, but it is merely leaning in to the inevitable infection now. Nine long months of dread. COVID had finally found me.

I wasn’t particularly worried that I would be hospitalized from a potential infection or have a bad outcome. After all, I am a pediatrician. I have been vomited on, peed and pooped on, coughed and sneezed on, had toddlers put their cute, but slimy hands in my mouth and my eyes. My body has probably seen ever virus known to humanity. I have dragon blood. Or at the very least… Three Stooges Syndrome.

No… I was worried that I would unknowingly bring it home to my family and to the small group of people that were in our little bubble. I would have a hard time living with myself if, after all of the limitations and restrictions we had undertaken these past months, they would be at risk of being ravaged by the virus. Even if they didn’t get too ill, but they were stuck in quarantine for 2 weeks. If they had to be pulled away from the small bits of normalcy we had tried to safely bring back into our lives recently because of me, I would have felt tremendously guilty. Thankfully… that day never came.

Just over a month ago, the email came that said I was eligible to get vaccinated. Since I was not on the front lines being exposed to COVID patients routinely, it was recommended that I wait a week to get it. Throw in Christmas and New Year’s Day on consecutive Fridays and it seemed most prudent to just push my date into early January.

The next day a physician colleague mentioned in his social media profile that he was more nervous now than he had ever been. Having signed up for but having not yet received the vaccine, the dread for him was increased even more. And this dread was also instilled in me. I lost track of how many times I have checked my temperature in the past 4 weeks. Agonized over the tiniest throat tickle and sneeze. I was a marathon runner in the last mile, I was Orpheus, finally able to see the exit from Hades. Would I stumble? Or would I make it to the warm sun on the other side?

While it wasn’t particularly sunny today, I did make it to the other side. Today was my day. Although at this, my moment of truth, I feel guilty. I’m not out on the front lines like so many of my residency classmates and friends as well as the nurses and respiratory therapists and social workers and pharmacists that I have come to know. The exhausted and determined souls staffing ICU’s, Emergency Departments and in-patient wards, constantly confronting this soul-crushing pandemic. Surely, with my dragon blood I could wait a few more weeks or months.

“You’re really not supposed to give a speech…”

I wish I could have taken my shot and instead given it to my wife or my kids. Or given it to my parents who missed out on 70th birthday celebrations and so many other things these past nine months. Or maybe my brothers or their families. I have friends who postponed their own weddings, some have lost jobs. Struggled to work and have their kids do virtual school at the same time. Grandchildren who miss grandparents, loved ones who can’t meet newborn babies. Friends who have lost loved ones to COVID. Grocery store workers, custodians, teachers, school bus drivers, factory workers, restaurant cooks and servers. So much struggle, so much pain, so much frustration, so much exhaustion. I have been so fortunate that my life has gone on mostly the same, when so many others lives have not. Surely any one of them is more worthy of this shot than I was today.

When you are about to take off on an airplane, the instructions always tell you that if the masks drop from the ceiling due to loss of cabin pressure, you are supposed to put your mask on first. Then you can go help others. I won’t be going out to the front lines to save lives in the hospital after this. But maybe by getting the vaccine today, I can convince others that is okay for them to get it too. And then we can all get back out into the sunshine, together.

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I’m Just Going To The Store

I was never one of those kids who knew what they wanted to be when they grew up. I can’t really pinpoint any moment as a kid when I had any realistic inkling of the direction I wanted my future to go in. Certainly, I had strongly considered being catcher for the Chicago Cubs (speaking of which, I’ve been away from this space for awhile, so I need to link to a few related things here…) but deep down inside I knew that that was pretty much a pipe dream. I did like science and I liked being with people, so I had vaguely considered being a doctor. However I quickly dismissed it as I thought it was going to be too much schooling.

As a junior in high school, I fell in love with physics and decided I wanted to become a physicist. I wished I could be an astronaut, but with my poor vision I knew I would not be eligible for the astronaut program. (Of course, I later found out this was not true. That would only eliminate me from being a mission pilot. I would have still been able to be a mission specialist. Dang it… where’s my time machine….) But I would get a degree in physics and then go work for NASA in some other capacity. At the time, people told me that from what I would discuss about my love of physics, I didn’t actually want to be a physicist. I really sounded like an engineer. “Pshaw!”, I would say. I know myself. I am meant to be a physicist!

Of course when I got there, it turns out that all of those kind folks were correct. I was not meant to be a physicist. I was probably more suited to be an engineer. However, at the time I decided to leave physics, I had no real idea what engineers did (technically, I’m still not 100% clear on it) and I wanted to stay on track to finish my degree in four years. At that moment, I realized that while I had never really settled on being a doctor, being a doctor had always been floating around in the back of my mind. I had a year’s worth of biology credit, so I could change into that major, go to medical school and become a pediatrician. At the time, I did not really know any other options, so I assumed I would go off and be a pediatrician out in the community.

It wasn’t until I actually got into the world of medicine that I realized that there were a myriad of options for doctors besides working in a clinic. Subspecialties, work in the hospital, research, there were so many choices. At first I gravitated towards pediatric endocrinology, but early on in my residency, I found something even better. Medical education. It was perfect. The opportunity to tie together teaching, service, leadership and medicine? What could be better! And so I followed that path. As the end of residency neared and I was off to be part hospitalist, part educator and part clinic preceptor, there was a part of me that was sad to be leaving my own continuity clinic. I had forged real connections with some of the families there and I felt like I was really starting to come into my own after starting out thinking a life of well child checks and newborns and immunizations would be boring.

For many years now, I would tell anyone who would ask “When are you going to go out and get a real job?”, that education was my real job and that while no kid would ever say “Dr. McKenna was my doctor”, I would have a number of pediatricians say “Dr. McKenna taught me how to be a pediatrician”. And I would be more than happy with that.

However, in the past few months, I have been reconsidering my path. I spend too many nights sending emails at 1am, working on projects at 2am. My professional progress has stalled and my dreams still seem far out of reach. I constantly feel guilty about all of the efforts and missions at work that I have been ignoring because I just do not have enough time. I cannot remember the last time I read a book. I miss writing in this blog. Too often recently I have said to myself about something I want to do for me, “I’ll just get to that when I retire…”

And right about that time, came a unique opportunity. An opportunity to work with an amazing group of pediatricians that I have long admired with an office basically in my backyard. And I have decided to take it. I am leaving the academic center completely for a job out in the community.

In some ways it was an extremely tough decision. I have gained so much energy and knowledge and experience from working with a wealth of residents, students and faculty. I have built some useful programs and made enduring connections. I have gotten farther than I could have ever imagined. I would have to leave the only place I have known for the almost 18 years I have been in Indianapolis. From my Masters Degree to medical school to residency, 2 Chief Residencies (don’t ask…) and being a faculty member. The first day that I drive to work and it is not at the medical center is going to be quite jarring.

On the other hand, for the reasons I listed above, it was also an extremely easy decision. This is my one life and my kids are going to be this age for only so long. I want to go to eat lunch at school and go on field trips with them. I want to get back to writing in this space and expressing my creativity. I want to see what it is like to guide a young family through the joys and frustrations of being a parent. To see a child all the way through from infancy to heading off to college. I have never had to do medicine all on my own. By myself. No residents, no safety net. And there is a part of me that wants to see if I can actually do it.

It helps that I have an exceptional role model in this regard. My mom is an amazing mom and has formed me and guided me in so many ways. But I thought so much about my dad when I was thinking about this decision. My dad is a smart, hard-working accountant but he has also been the kind of guy who knows how to keep work at work and keep home at home. He was the kind of dad who would come up to me in high school and say “Mike, I’m really sorry that I can’t be at your baseball game tomorrow” even though it was in the northern suburbs of Chicago in the early afternoon on a Tuesday. A good hour away from his office in northwest Indiana. I had zero expectation that he would be there because it was so far away and during the work week. That is precisely the kind of person that I still aspire to be.

In the end, I have only 2 regrets with leaving now. First, I regret having never won the Morris Green Teaching Award. When I first heard of it as an intern, I immediately set it as a goal to earn it. Alas, it never worked out for me but I think I gave it my best shot. Second, I am going out having lost at Resident-Faculty Jeopardy two years in a row. For someone who loves trivia and competing, this is truly devastating. But I can at least rest well knowing that my legendary prowess in the category of “state nicknames” will be told for generations.

Back in high school, I had two running jokes with my best friend and his family down the street. When I would come over to their house, I would open the door, walk in and then knock. I was also terrible at saying good-bye. I would say good-bye and then stay for at least another hour, having said “good-bye” like 5 more times inbetween. I am still bad at good-byes, lingering on well past the 4th or 8th utterance.

Starting to say good-bye to people has been the hardest part of all of this. I wish I could have told all of you individually. To be able to tell each of you how important it is to me that you let me share a brief part of your journey. That I wish I could express to you how hard it is not to see your educational experience all the way to the end. To let you know that you made a difference in my life. That you were important to me.

So instead of just saying good-bye, I will use my go to crutch in times of need: music

This first song is the song that I used when I graduated residency as the soundtrack for our graduation video, celebrating our 3 years of residency and thanking our families. (Nelly Furtado needs to come back, BTW…)

Flames to dust, lovers to friends

Why do all good things come to an end?

carly_rae_jepsen_-_emotion_side_b

Currently, one of my favorite albums is this Carly Rae Jepsen album. It is a collection of “leftover” songs that didn’t make the cut of her critically acclaimed 2015 album (stop laughing… that is not a link to The Onion… this is fact) all of which elicit the funky synthesizers and feelings of the 80’s. And this song really sums up my feelings about and difficulties with saying good-bye.

I’m not that good at goodbyes, Sometimes it’s best to just fly

Ask where we’re going, Oh I… Can’t talk about it, can’t talk about it

Cause I’m just goin’ to the store, to the store, I’m just goin’ to the store

You might not see me anymore, anymore, I’m just going’ to the store

This is not good-bye. I’m just going to the store.

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Wordless Wednesday Comeback!

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Wordless Running Day

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Wordless Pac Day

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Wordless Blast Off Day

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Wordless Wombat Day

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Wordless Crimson Day

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A Possessive Wordless Wednesday

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