Bottom of the Barrel

In honor of The Oscars, a celebration of excellence in movie making, it would only make sense to list some of my favorite movies of all time. However, I already did that a few years ago. So why don’t we rip a few terrible movies to shreds instead!

I have seen many bad films in my life. I actually have a special place in my heart for bad movies. Some movies are so bad, they are actually good.  But, then there are the movies that are so excruciatingly awful that you feel like a little part of your soul has died. I feel bad that these four parts of my soul are gone, but I feel worse about the money and time that I can never get back from these wastes of celluloid.

Message in a Bottle

To be honest, I only feel a little bad about having actually seen this movie. It was certainly a bad movie, there is no denying that. I actually don’t remember all that much from it, only that there were a lot of gray skies, boats, and grim conversations. But I saw it for a good reason. Susie and I saw this movie with one of her friends on Valentine’s Day when were in college. Her boyfriend (now husband) went to school a few states away and could not be with her that night. So we wanted to cheer her up a little bit, apparently by taking her to see a depressingly bad movie.

More importantly, it is the only movie I have ever fallen asleep in inside of the theater. So at least I put that time to good use.

Home Fries

The second movie in a row that was so incoherent that I couldn’t figure out what was going on and I am still confused by random snapshots of scenes from the movie playing in my head like a traumatic flashback. Message in a Bottle at least had an excuse, because I was sleeping half the time. Home Fries, what was your excuse?

Here is all you need to know about this movie Drew Barrymore is very pregnant, in a small, dusty town in rural American. Seems like it could be a cute movie like Where the Heart Is, right? And then somehow crazy people in a military helicopter keep chasing people up and down the highway. I think at one point, Drew Barrymore’s character was actually flying around in the helicopter. The worst part of this movie is that I always thought Matthew Lillard added to the putridity of it by playing a major role in this movie. Turns out that’s just the way I relive it in my nightmares.

Glitter

I take a lot of flak for my love of pop culture and pop music. One would think that a movie like this that is the combination of both in a movie would be perfect for me. Unfortunately, the writers and producers took this golden opportunity to win me over and squandered it. If I could enjoy On the Line (starring Lance Bass and Joey Fatone!), surely I could enjoy this movie featuring Mariah Carey. But I was wrong.

It turns out that I don’t like Mariah Carey all of that much, especially in a movie in which she goes around basically acting like Mariah Carey. If that was all that happened, this would have merely been a boring, forgettable movie. However, the emotional climax of the movie sealed it’s place on this list.

I am a firm believer in the words of poet Samuel Taylor Coleridge who coined the term “suspension of disbelief” when describing the ability of a well told story to cause the reader to accept slightly nonsensical or unbelievable portions of said story. I believe that one of the main reasons we enjoy books and movies so much is because we want that bit of escapism and ‘un-reality’ in our ever-so mundane lives. The key portion of that description, however, is “well told”.

When Mariah Carey’s character sits down at the piano after her boyfriend dies in a tragic accident and begins to write the song that was in her heart and it turns out to be the exact same song that said dead boyfriend was writing, it was so implausible and cheesy that I wanted to throw things at the television. Sorry, Mr. Coleridge. I just couldn’t keep suspending.

Legend

When I first considered writing this post, there was no doubt in my mind what the number one movie on the list was going to be. For not only was this movie bad, not only was it so bad that instead of continuing to watch this movie, I got up and went to bed, but I also subjected my poor brothers to this movie!

One night when the McKenna boys were bored and looking for a good movie to rent, I suggested this abomination of a movie. I didn’t try to make their lives miserable on purpose. I had heard that it was an entertaining movie and a classic, a fantasy adventure movie that would have been a good evening for a few teen boys. Well, I was wrong, WAY WRONG. The movie was bad and don’t remember a single thing because after only a few minutes, I got up and went off to bed. My excuse was that I was tired and I had football practice in the morning, but to be honest I could have toughed it out if it were a good movie.

To this very day, I still feel bad that I recommended this movie to my brothers and then up and left them within about 10 minutes. Then again, its not like I forced them to keep watching it. They could have also walked away when they had the chance. But they stuck it out. Suckers.

I can’t imagine that there is any movie that could ever bump Legend from the top spot, but in the past few weeks alone, I have seen a lot of bad movies. Hangover 2, Horrible Bosses, The Words, you gave it a great effort but you didn’t quite make the list. But I am sure that this daunting challenge won’t stop people from continuing to crank out more worthless films.

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About ironsalsa

I'm just a man who likes to hear himself talk, yet pretends he can't stand himself.
This entry was posted in Current Events, Family, Movies, My Life and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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